No I’m not. I’m laughing my ass off. Seriously. I’m the opposite of seriously upset right now. Why? A few reasons…
1. Rachel Zoe is totally ridic (ridiculously awesome that is)
2. Twitter rocks
2. 2Birds1Blog is tha shit and tweeted about a Rachel Zoe impression on youtube. It made my whole day worthwhile. Sighhh
Incredible. I’m like freaking out right now. Oh. my. God.
I guess I’m going through a funk. A funk that resembles a quarter life crisis. I’m fine with being 25… I haven’t fully accepted it but it’s fine I guess. Ok damn I need to back up a little bit.
When I was younger I used to hyperventilate- literally have panic attacks at 10 years old, over the thought of “forever”. As a christian I was taught in church and at home that this life was very temporary and that what we were really waiting for was an eternity in heaven with Jesus Christ. AN ETERNITY.
Everyone always said this like it was the best thing in the entire world. I used to look at them like they were completely insane. My breathing would get quicker and heavier as I tried to fathom this “forever eternity” they spoke of.
“Like, forever ever? Never ending? Always and always? Never stops EVER?!? Just goes on and on and on and on?!?!!… OMG I can’t breathe.”
I was terrified. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t wrap my head around “forever” and it scared the shit out of me.
What if I don’t wanna be in heaven for forever? What happens when I get bored? I love life! A lot! I don’t want to go to heaven! It doesn’t sound like fun at ALL! Why cant I just stay here?
My mom just had/has blind faith that it would be everything she hoped for and much much more. I could not follow her on blind faith. I need concrete answers; ESP when we’re talking about forever. They are no concrete answers though; only theories. So I stopped thinking about it. I had to for my own sanity really. Even a repetitive TV commercial would set off a fit of anxiety. Even writing about it now my heart rate slightly went up. I ignored death and eternity: I decided to focus on life. Our time here may be short, but that just means I have a LOT to cram in to 100 years (give or take). There’s no way I’m going to waste my life being mediocre. No way not even one second. I only get one! One shot. One run. One chance to be extraordinary! Wow I haven’t talked about this in a while… I’m actually starting to get a bit anxious. Does that happen to anyone else??? So weird. Anyways…
I’m not sure when and I don’t even know why and I know I sound insane trust me I know… but around that point in time I became aware (couldn’t think of a better way to say it) that it was going to be Ok; it was going to be better than Ok. Much much better. It was going to be more than I ever could have dreamed of. And I’m not talking about heaven right now, I’m talking about my life.
I’ve known for a long time that my life was not going to be ordinary or mediocre. I just know. I understand that sounds like a ridiculous sense of entitlement (and maybe I do slightly have that sense…) but honestly. I can’t even explain it. Every time I try to think of how to explain I just end up with my mouth slightly open, head tilted up and to the side, shaking my head from side to side very slowly- completely lost in my own head. It’s not a dream or a wish or hope or anything like that.
It’s fucking destiny. I probably lost around 15 readers by using the word destiny seriously in a sentence- not to mention bold AND in italics. But that’s how serious I am. I have a feeling that wont shake and will never shake b/c it’s never ever shaken before and it just never will.
There’s the background. It was all over the place I’m really sorry about that. Now, all of a sudden here I am… 25 years old… and something HUGE is missing in my life. There’s a part of me that is always empty. I can feel it all the time. It’s been there for YEARS. I feel like my sand timer is getting thin on top and time is starting to run out. I am MISSING my CALLING people!!!! I’m supposed to be doing something else! Something important. Something meaningful and challenging and interesting and exciting… AND I CANT FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS.
AND IT’S REALLY STARTING TO PISS ME OFF.
When I was younger and mom and dad said, “You can do annnnyything in the world. ANYTHING AT ALL! You can be whatever you want; you just gotta set your mind to it.” Anyone elses parents say that? Did anyone whose parents said that think to ever ask, “Like what?” instead of just nodding and saying you know you can do anything?
Well I did and it didn’t even matter. “You can do/be ANYTHING!” is the WORST fucking child rearing quote in the history of child rearing quotes. Because even after you ask, “Like what?” Rest assured that said parents will respond with, “ANYTHING AT ALL!” Oh no shit, ya don’t say.
My personal favorite is, “The possibilities are ENDLESS!” Why yes, yes they fucking are aren’t they? There are so many fucking possibilities out there that I’m sitting here in my undecorated office, at 7:22 pm b/c I haven’t finished my God forsaken work and I cant leave b/c I feel guilty for not finishing it, writing on my neglected blog/journal which is just one of the 500 billion project/ideas I’ve come up with in the last year or two. There are so many possibilities that I want to do EVERYTHING. I believe I’ve written about this before… fuck.
Whatever. Something big’s gonna happen. Soon… I can feel it.
I hope it’s not the apocolypse.
Notes on a lighter note:
Promise to blog more.
Promise to blog more with no mention of “destiny”.
My dad’s a huge fan of quotes. I cant tell you how many times I’ll be whining about something and I hear my dad jump in with, “Well, ya know what they say….”
No dad, I don‘t know what they say. I don’t even know who they is. Please tell me… what do they say?
He has quite a few that he rotates and recycles as the years go by. Sometimes he picks up new ones from people he respects. His newest infatuation is, “This is not a flip flop world girl”, which he stole from a peer of his whom I have to admit, is pretty damn cool. I don’t like the line though, it’s not even true. I’m wearing flip flops right now! HA suck on that dad.
The oldest line of his I remember is also my favorite. He’s been telling it to me ever since I was old enough to say, “It’s just not fair!” I will probably always remember my dad for this line and will tell it to my kids as well. It’s his good old, “Guess what girl?” I look up at him with questioning eyes and a pouting face, “What?” to which he replies, “Life’s not fair”.
And he’s right. Life is not fair.
There’s another line though that dates back to probably freshman year in high school. Every time I didn’t want to go somewhere or do something he’d make sure I was paying attention and then proclaim, “90% of success is just showing up”. Then he would usually repeat, “90%!”
I used to nod and say yeahhh I know you’re right. But as I get older I realize that that’s not true at ALL. I come to work… I show up, yet I still get bitched at. Why? Maybe it’s b/c I think I can be successful just by showing up. Working? Why do I need to work? I’m here aren’t I?!? Isn’t that enough!?! No??? Then, WHY HAVE YOU BEEN TELLING ME ALL MY LIFE THAT IT’S ENOUGH!? All of a sudden at 25 years old you’re gonna change the game plan?
It all became cristal clear a couple months ago when my dad was BBQing out back and I was hanging out with him keeping him company. We started talking about work. He started talking about how I really need to get there on time more and then he said, “Ya know, 70% of success is just showing up.”
He continued talking but I loudly interrupted, “Whoa-Whoa (real fast)… No. Na no. Uh uh. Stop right there. Back up. Did you just say 70%??” He agreed. I continued, “Ha, that’s funny b/c, Haha I coulda sworn you’ve always said that 90% of success is showing up.” He laughs and disagrees that it was ever 90%. CLEARLY lying.
So now I’m pissed (now being present time not 2 months ago) b/c here I am at work and for some reason my brain wont focus on work. I feel like I’m doing enough just by being here and I don’t want to blame anyone for this b/c I know it’s ultimately my fault, but… if I was going to blame someone other than myself I’d throw all of it on my dad.
The funny/ironic part that really isn’t funny at all is that last week they (boss man and dad… mostly dad) told me in a meeting that my time reports are pathetic (basically) and that from now on, I’m going to be getting paid by the hour… by the billable hour. So every hour that I’m not doing work that can be billed to clients… I don’t get paid. Right now? Not making any money. Why am I not working on work? I HAVE NO EFFING IDEA. DAMMIT. I found out that my next paycheck… wont even pay a months rent. I. AM. SCREWED.
Time to grow up?
Nah. Time to go to the Lil Wayne concert. I do have my priorities. And anyways, if life’s not fair… then maybe I’ll get a ton of money that I really don’t deserve. It could happen. Fairness goes in both directions right? Then all of you would be like, “But that’s not FAIR!” and I’d be all, “Suck it bitches. LIFE’S not fair“.
Twitter’s back up… kinda. Slowly. Getting there. It’s hilarious reading how people have reacted to the Twitter outage. My favorites so far:
#1 would have to be 2birds1blog’s take on it. They are my new blogging heroes. I’m in love with them, both of them; does that make me a lesbian? I don’t know and I don’t care.
#2 so far is this lil gem. I guess it’s the Tweet of a friend of a friend that I’ve never met b/c we’re really only Twitter friends but I follow him and he follows me and we both love the Redskins so that makes us friends OK!?! Some people may even say good friends. Yes, those people have no actual friends.
Sad.
Awww cheer up! Here read this—
redskinsblog RT @thatdjgallo: Thx 2 Twitter DDos, had 2 give my status updates 2day the old-fashioned way: yelling at passersby “I’M GOING TO THE STORE!”
Twitter sucks and is pissing me off. It’s down or something. Therefor YOU get to read everything I would have told to Twitter today. If you don’t give a shit you should probably stop reading now. But just know that I hate you.
Ahem (clear throat)
How many fantasy football leagues is TOO many fantasy football leagues?? — about 4 hours ago
People who g-chat while simultaneously getting work done really piss me off. I thought we were all “not working” together. Liars. – about 3 hours ago
I wish I could multi-task =( — about 2 hours ago
I really want the Sketchers Shape-up shoes… thoughts? I mean, they aren’t cute… debating what to do… – about 2 hours ago
Love it Need it Want it — about one hour ago
Holy Shit A DAMMIT DOLL. Why did I not think of this? Genius! Dammit Dammit Dammit! — about 15 minutes ago
FUCK U Twitter! I Don’t NEED U! — about 10 minutes ago
J is improving. Still in the hospital but improving. So that’s really really good.
Good Idea
Ok I have to vent/freak the fuck out for a few minutes. If this wasn’t my personal computer I may have already thrown it against a wall but… alas… it’s mine so, that wouldn’t be very smart. My hands are shaking right now I’m so pissed so I’ll get to the point. There’s this girl that works for the company right next door to ours; the one my dad owns. She just got some job with the Government doing something, I dunno, but evidently she’s been wanting it for a long time and just needed clearance. This girl is like Superworker. If a superhero was just an employee- it would be her. Superworker. And now shes leaving so they need to find a replacement. She said I should apply for the position. I said no thank you your job sounds really really shitty, no offense. (It really is, she makes tons of cold calls to other businesses. She’s the business development manager and sets up meetings and follows up and bla bla bla). Anyways I get paid more than her so that decision just makes no sense whatsoever.
Flash to today. Meeting: 2 pm. In attendance: Myself, Superworker, my boss. Topic of discussion: Superworkers duties/responsibilities and how I am now in charge of them.
I’m sorry… What? Did you just give me a job I didn’t apply for AND I specifically said I didn’t want?
Oh yeah. They did.
But you already have a job.
I do. I do already have a job. A full time job, and now I have two of them. TWO OF THEM.
Well… at least you’ll get paid more, right?
This is when I start having an anxiety attack b/c it’s just so fucked up I can’t believe my dad would do this to me. I get 100% more responsibilities and 0% raise. ZERO. NADA. NO CHANGE IN MY PAYCHECK. And I have no idea what the fuck to do about it. I have so much work to do and I cant even fucking do it b/c I’m so mad right now I’m on the brink of a nasty panic attack. I’m having a meltdown over here and I’m seriously contemplating quitting and it scares the hell outta me. B/c then what? I have rent, bills, cc bills, debt bills, I gotta eat sometimes… pretty often actually. I don’t have any money saved. Quitting a job now would be fucking suicide. There are not that many jobs out there. I don’t know what to do.
The emails of work to do just keep coming. So far 3 emails each with lists of things to do and it’s only been 2 hours since the meeting ended. Fuck. My. Life. Multi-tasking is probably one of the things I do worst. Handling multiple projects at a time: Awful. This is a disaster. I don’t even know where to start. I still have all this other stuff to do. AND I’M NOT EVEN GETTING PAID MORE.
My dad’s in fucking Germany so I can’t go bitch and/or cry to him. Juicy told me to quit but her ideas on what to do next were honestly not very realistic or promising. I need job stability. I cant live on hope. I just wanna be in Mexico right now drinking a beer on the beach listening to Kenny Chesney or something. Anywhere but here. I need 4-5 drinks asap. And I obviously need a new psychiatrist b/c my current one clearly isn’t doing any good.
Oh and check out my Facebook application horoscope for today:
What. The. Fuck. Srsly, Facebook is running the world and we don’t even know it. I’m scared. I’m pissed. I’m freaking out. I feel like I’m gonna vom. Maybe I’m just hungry but I def feel like voming. My head hurts. I’m tired. Oh and.. yup, there it is.. now I’m about to cry. Dammit. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME???
One of my best guy friends is in the hospital in ICU. He’s in a medically induced coma, machines are breathing for him because his lungs cant do it and his kidneys failed yesterday. Two weeks ago he was fine and felt like he was getting a cold- a week ago he was admitted to the hospital with swine flu- yesterday I thought he was going to die.
When I got the call that his kidneys had failed I was at a hotel pool party, completely intoxicated and having the time of my life. I knew he was in bad shape but I guess as a defense mechanism I hadn’t entertained the idea that he might not get better. He has to get better. Getting worse isn’t an option; dying isn’t even fathomable! That was probably the most sobering phone call I’ve ever gotten.
I don’t know if it was the alcohol or just the shock from learning how severe the situation really was but I pretty much lost it. Earlier I had been stressing over which bikini I should wear. What a stupid thing to stress about. How could I worry about such trivial things when a friend is fighting for their life? No one cares what bikini I’m wearing. I didn’t even care anymore; at all. I didn’t care about the mascara smeared on my face. My appearance was the last thing on my mind. I didn’t care about other people staring at us; girls judging us. They didn’t matter. I didn’t care that the cast of the Real World DC was supposedly coming to the hotel pool party (some showed up as we were leaving, in case you were wondering). I didn’t care where we went, what we did, who we were with; nothing. All I could think about was J and whether or not he was gonna be ok.
That’s still really all I can think about. I haven’t gotten any work done today. I heard this morning that he’s slightly improving. I’m scared to be happy about it though. I’m afraid that once I sigh and think, “Phew the worst is over” that it wont be. He was so strong and healthy. I don’t understand how something like this can happen to someone like J. So I’ve been praying. A lot. I know he’s gonna be ok in the end b/c there’s no way that God would put someone like J on this earth and then take him back so soon. He’s super smart and so talented at basically everything. He could do anything he wanted to do. He has to be here for a reason. He has to be ok.
How’s that for a little perspective? Makes everything else just seem silly doesn’t it?
1. This super fantastical wedding entrance makes me THANK GOD I haven’t gotten married yet. I cant wait to do something like this!! And of course “Thriller” at the reception. Obviously. How amazing is this video?!
2. It is soooooo almost football season. It’s so close I can smell it. I can feel it in the air!!! GET HERE NOW!!!
3. Auburn has one of the hottest/best football uniforms in the country according to Sports Illustrated. They’re right, our uniforms are so freagin sharp. In my opinion they’re #1. Something about dark navy and the bold orange… It just goes together so perfectly. I can see how Michigan would be up there too (dark navy and gold/yellow whatever) but honestly they totally screwed up #1. Texas?? Those uniforms are ugggaly. WAR EAGLE!
4. I’ve gotten really into arts and crafty things recently and it is SO much fun. I almost wanna stay home tonight and just do arts and crafts. I’m not going to, but… if I had nothing to do it would always be a fun plan B.
5. I was really distraught over my favorite radio programs coming to an end on 106.7 WJFK… but I ADORE the new station layout. All sports talk radio all the time!?!! AMAZING. I’m listening right now: 106.7 THE FAN. Tune in. Do it. Do it now. LaVar Arrington is pretty hilarious. If you don’t know who that is… look it up. You should know. Here, just watch this:
It’s mid-July, do you know what that means? In my world that means it’s almost football season and the best 7 months of my entire year. Since pre-season starts in August, the Internet has been abuzz recently with rumors and speculation on the upcoming season. Who’s going to start at QB? Who looks like they can go all the way this year? Etc. Etc. Etc.
It may have seemed like I’ve been slacking on my blogging but in all actuality I haven’t. Since I’m sure most of you aren’t hardcore football fans I made a decision last year to spare you of my rampant football posts and started another blog for the sole purpose of writing about football. In the off-season I temporarily ceased my football blogging. Now, with the air and Internet all abuzz and it being mid-July and everything- it’s like, so totally back. I’m sorry I’ve been neglecting I blog b/c I have no idea what’s going on but if you wanna see what’s been on my mind head on over to Show Some Skins and have a look see. You might like it even if you don’t care for football. I hope you do =)
So my latest post over there covers rumors I’ve read about that really have nothing to do with football but do have to do with people related to football: People like T.O., Tony Romo and Erin Andrews. As I’m finishing writing about Erin Andrews, I warn her not to make me replace her. Then I realize I cant think of a single person who could ever replace Erin Andrews, so I start some research. I have a point to all this I swear and it’s totally relevant to the title so bear with me because this is huge.
I google search “hot sports broadcasters” (the firm would be thrilled) and click on a bunch of links. I find a list of nominees for Playboys Sexiest Sportscasters and I skim the list to find the next Erin Andrews. When I get to #18 I freeze. Is that?… There’s no way… Holy. Shit. I know that girl. I know I know that girl. Unless there’s another Lauren Shehadi out there who loves sports and is hot enough to make the list… Is Shehadi a common last name?? I totally forget what I was doing and my mind starts churning.
I delete “hot sports broadcasters” and type in “Lauren Shehadi”. Tons of links pop up. I find this one and I watch the clip. I only really have to watch it for 2 seconds because it is so totally her it’s not even funny. At first I’m in utter shock. When that passes (which it still hasn’t completely) I’m overwhelmed with joy for her. Good for her! Wow! Even at age 12 I knew she’d be amazing. She just used to sparkle (I obviously looked up to her; which is fine since she’s older than me). Then after the joy subsides a bit, that’s when the jealousy hits. The jealousy hits hard. The jealousy knocks the wind out of me. And I’m ashamed of it. I’m so ashamed I could cry.
I could say I grew up with Lauren and I guess that would be true. I have no memory of her after [I'm] around the age of 15 or 16 I guess? I’m not sure how much older she is than me but it’s a couple to a few years. She was on my softball team. Every. Single. Year. She was at the softball camp I went to. She was at the basketball camp I went to. This girl was sports. And she was awesome at them. She excelled at everything. She was basically my hero although I never told her that. I wanted to be just like her. She was outgoing and nice and funny and pretty and a natural at everything. She was so much fun to be around. She was also super mature for her age; very composed. I remember at camp one year (boys stop reading) we were all in line waiting to bat or run drills or something and this one younger girl was talking about (boys really… stop reading) her period with a few of her friends. They were whispering and giggling and one girl told the girl on her period, “Ask Lauren she knows everything” or something like that. And I have no idea why this memory sticks out in my head I’m weird.
So Lauren pipes up and says, “Ask me what?” and the girl shyly asks her about tampons. Do they hurt? Can you feel them? How do you do it? Lauren doesn’t even miss a beat, “Oh noooo they don’t hurt at all! They’re so much better than pads; all my friends and I use them and you cant even feel them! You should really talk to your mom about getting some and I’m sure she’ll tell you everything you need to know. My mom started me on pads too because they’re easier. I think most girls are scared of tampons at first but there’s nothing to be scared of! You can even swim with one in.” The little girls oohed and aww’d. I’m pretty sure Lauren changed their pre-teen lives with her little tampon talk. Lauren if you’re reading this I’m really sorry that that’s the story I chose to tell about you. My other memories are just bits and pieces of stories and wouldn’t make sense if I wrote them down so… I’m sorry.
I’m still in shock. Not from the tampon talk- From how Lauren’s life has turned out. I’m a whole mix of emotions right now so I’m gonna stop writing, leave work and call my mom to tell her about Lauren. She’s gonna freak. Srsly. Here are some more Lauren clips for y’all to watch if you want. She really is a damn good sportscaster. I’m pretty proud I used to play sports with her. Ok I’m really proud. You Go Lauren!
1. The movie Almost Famous. I could watch it a million times and not get sick of it.
"Dude... Your mom kinda freaked me out."
2. This part in the movie What Happens In Vegas. Tipper is my favorite. I want to do this to multiple guys who have messed with my friends… YOU know why! You Know why.
3. It’s FRIDAY!!!! =)
4. Things are going swimmingly with the new roomie. She’s definitely the best roommate I’ve ever had. Cheers to that. It’s a big deal.
5. 65 days 2 hours and around 57 minutes till the Redskins ‘09 season kicks off against the Giants!!! Only 33 days till pre-season starts! YAY SkippY! Gawww I can’t wait.